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11:34pm 18/03/2009
 
mood: depressed
My mind is a whirlwind right now.
I haven't written, probably because I'm afraid of what I'll write
but my thoughts are so dark that I want so badly to just free my mind.
I know every single person happy or sad has experienced the same feelings I have
and I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me or think I'm some weakling who can't handle a situation.
I'm pathetic...
probably a self proclaimed loser which I've known and kept in my mind for more than a decade
I can't be happy.... ever.
I can't make people happy....
I can't hope making others happy will eventually make me happy
In about 2 weeks it'll be my 23rd birthday.
I laugh at myself.
At this dumb predicament I've let myself in.
I've grown up... but into what...
into a body walking among others?
My goals.... the ones I've grown up trying to achieve I can't
because I'm pathetic.
Because I'm pathetic to realize that I give advice to people that I should damn well follow
I should overcome obstacles and become a stronger person....
but I can't....
I feel like a robot. Like I've been born probably through love but through something else.
I was created to be an individual who can not only be someone but fulfill what he could not....
I don't know....
Everytime I feel like its not going to plan I freak out.
I say to myself he'll hate me, probably disown me like his sister...
I shouldn't let him mentally threaten me but he has, I've grown up with the idea that if I'm not good enough in his eyes than I'm not good enough for the world.
I haven't been following the plan accordingly the way he wanted it, the way he created me too, I've made mistakes just like humans do but to him because I have his genes I am no ordinary individual, I'm greater, I'm much more than that so mistakes are inexcusable...
But what do I do?
I'm already a failure in his eyes, I've felt for months like he's ignored me... like he's treating me differently.
I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me...
I thought maybe I'm just being paranoid that he's treating my younger sister better than me.
But I guess this is how it goes....
I'm worthless in his eyes...
I've tried...
I've tried so badly but I can't take it anymore.
I've defended him when my friends or others would say something bad about him because of how strict he is but I thought no.... he's just that way leave him alone.
And now.... I feel it
I didn't think at all that him acting the way he is now would affect me... I thought whatever, you know because I wanted to make my own path and I knew even when he knew he was wrong that he was wrong about certain things but now I just feel like what's the point?
What's the point in being in your space?
You can have my room....
you can have my driver's license (you know the one that you promised I could use once I get it but because of your circumstances you don't let me)
you can have what's left of my belongings once I throw EVERYTHING OUT...
yes bit by bit I'm throwing my stuff out
I'm selling my books and dvds
why the hell would I need them
My existence was a mistake in your eyes right? Because I couldn't fulfill what you wanted the way you wanted? I'll give you my life because I don't need it,
I don't want it....
there is absolutely nothing in this goddamn world that I want....
so why should I stay in it?

This isn't a rant....
this isn't a note....
I can't express myself to anyone.... (I mean physically)
so why not do it here.
I don't know what'll happen the next few days... my mind is made up

Cynthia, I guess because your more affectionate than me as a sister he likes you more,
I'm sorry I'm not as affectionate or as strong as you.
Shani......
Don't be like me.......
I see a little bit of me in you and it scares me because I don't express myself to you often enough....
I guess we get it from him... he's not so emotional.... he gets depressed too and likes to hide it....
we got that from him.....

Either way I love you guys

Bye Mom

Bye Sean...
 
     

(Darkness is not always evil.)

 
   
01:34pm 28/01/2006
 
mood: calm
Yesterday was Day 2 of my first week of school it went fairly well just like Day 1. Maybe that's a good thing but maybe I shouldn't get my hopes up, if I'm too optimistic something's bound to happen lol

Had my genetics class yesterday that went okay, I'd actually say the best part of it is the teacher checking her clock and being prompt on what time we get out unlike other teachers who are oblivious to the time and continue on and on lecturing. Afterwards, I hung out with this girl in my genetics class who I got to know and I hung out with her until my class started. Oddly enough, she said that I'm "popular" because everywhere we went there was someone I knew, she actually asked me how I do it. Um....I don't have an answer to that question at all. Anyway afterward, I enjoyed another session of philosophy and I "raced" home to get my sister and took her to her acting class again but I had something to do to kill three hours, I hung out with my friend again (2 days in a row of seeing her) at the mall and we had quite an interesting conversation. We both realized that though we were in two different situations our problems were similar so in conclusion we're planning on doing something in Feb. 14th just to celebrate the fact that we have each other. (Its an excuse I guess to ignore the fact that we're lonely lol) She said though for my situation I had a better chance or hope and I laughed at that, she tells me my horoscopes tell me what should be the future, funny thing is I'm believing her.

So after the mall, we picked up my sister and took her to her school dance. Believe me I for one was in no mood to step foot near that school, too many memories (bad ones) and for her going to that same dance that I was forced to go too (my parents disliked my, as they put it, "antisocial behaivor" so they made me go). My experience at the dance? Hmm...let's just say that I hung out for hours in the hallway alone, waiting for the right moment to leave. To see the excite on my sister's face really pissed me off, I was snapping at my friend the whole time (accidently and I'm really really sorry for that). Its interesting to compare the way I am then and how I am now, I'm completely different person, verbally anyway. I speak more than I used too, alot more actually. There was a time where I got some of my classmates worried because I'd always be the one trying not to participate in any group activities, (Yes I've had too many of those moments), so now I wonder if this "Me" is trying to overshadow the "old me", I guess what I'm trying to figure out if I'm running away from myself and I am for the most part. Every school I go to where I end up the only one from my previous school is that chance for me to be different, to act or be the way I should have been so I didn't have to end up unhappy and only 2 people know the real me and there's only one who I talk too alot more than the other. Its better that way.

>.< I over did it again....I typed like a mad monkey and wrote too much for this entry, so consider it two entries that way I won't type for awhile lol Later ^_^
 
     

(3 Victims | Darkness is not always evil.)

 
Coming back again...   
01:57pm 13/01/2006
 
mood: cheerful
Yes I know I'm doing it again, I'm on an off on LJ I'm such a bad person especially with all the things that have happened these past few months but as one of my new year's resolutions I will write on LJ at least once a week, if not, I'll deprive myself of food or something (Just kidding) but yeah thought I wish everyone a late New Year's anyway while I'm on. Well until next time...
 
     

(3 Victims | Darkness is not always evil.)

 
Yes, it been awhile....sorry   
08:29pm 09/09/2005
 
mood: depressed
Well for the past two days, I've been feeling completely down and powerless. My grandmother went to the hospital again on Wednesday and her condition was much worse than the first time. She had to have surgery again, I tried my best not to think about it or not to worry too much but I couldn't help it. When I went on the train with my friend that day I ended up missing my stops (on purpose) and I may have seemed a little awkward to him but I was trying my best I guess to avoid thinking of my grandmother. Anyway I ended up an extra hour away from my normal route and my friend helped guide me (since it was his territory) on how to find my way home, unfortunately, I'm pretty bad with direction so I ended up lost but after walking around awhile longer I found my way home and got home pretty late, about nearly 10 that night. My parents were pissed and worried since I never called but I wasn't in the mood to care.I basically couldn't go to sleep that night hoping my grandmother's surgery was successful.
Yesterday, after barely any sleep, I thought I was much better but the phone wouldn't stop ringing off the hook (I swear I wanted to disconnect the goddamn line) and everyone kept asking the same question, "How's your grandmother?" And all I wanted to say was, "How the hell am I suppose to know!" But of course I just said she was okay, couldn't be too heartless or else everyone else would think I was. Anyway her surgery did turn okay (at least that's what I heard) and my mom wanted me to go see her that afternoon so I agreed. Unfortunately I didn't want too at all, I basically spent an hour crying, thinking who's fault is it? or what could I have done to help her? I felt like so pathetic, crying like some baby. I've had a few deaths in the family, never cried for them but I cried for her. I guess I'm was scared and still am, because I'm not ready to see her go yet even though she will someday.
Another funny thing happened, I told my sister, Cynthia, that I loved her and not to question why I said but of course she asks me anyway because she knows its not like me to say that word, I'm going to try actually to practice it lol I haven't said it to anyone in a way that I meant it not even my parents. My sisters were pretty worried about me after that and still are I guess, I'm pretty worried about myself. I'm crying even now as I'm typing this, funny, I thought my eyes were all dried out after last night but I guess I can't help it.
I did see my grandmother last night, and I regretted it alot. When I saw her I acted like nothing bothered me at all, nothing. But I wanted to cry again seeing her surrounded by all those machines and tubes, and they were draining her blood like that out in the open just in case, I hated seeing her like this. I slowly headed out of the room and went to the bathroom, lol just kept crying. She's okay for now, at least I hope so but I never want to see her in that state again. I feel like beating the hell out of someone because honestly I feel that someone in my family is responsible for not having us help her sooner, basically I'm angry and depressed, what a way to end the week, huh?
 
     

(4 Victims | Darkness is not always evil.)

 
   
10:17pm 26/06/2005
 
mood: crazy
Came back from work and I really really really would like to know how I evolved into someone "attractive" is the word because frankly I don't notice what beauty people claim that I have and not only that I don't understand it and I don't want it. Its just annoying. I mean at work its just guys hitting on me one after another. One guy said that since the first time he saw me months ago he was in love with me (not another one *sigh*) and now he came by the store three times just to look at me. Do you know how annoying that is? Than two girls thought I was a lesbian? Than I tell them I'm straight and they sigh of dissappointment what is the matter with me? I would love to know what the hell these people see that I don't. Because I hate this attention yet I know plenty of people who would love it. Ex called my house 5 times yesterday lol but I couldn't do it! I couldn't talk to him, I knew what he want to talk about. What the hell to do lol I can't avoid him, eventually I'm going to have to call him. Maybe I'll write a speech and practice tomorrow and tell him on tuesday. Yep that sounds good, practice makes perfect after all.
 
     

(5 Victims | Darkness is not always evil.)

 
Back with another round of why me lol   
09:51pm 25/06/2005
 
mood: annoyed
I'm back lol and I've decided to screw how I feel about the guy I can live with being friends unfortunately another situation has appeared in my life (I really would prefer to just be single for the rest of my life) here's what happened yesterday: while watching TV my mom hands me the phone and says its for me (I wondered who the hell could call me at 10 pm, not my time to talk on the phone at all) and when I took the phone I was so mad at my mother for even handing it to me. It turns out my recent ex was on the phone (OH JOY For me) and we talked and than he had to ask the question I prayed he wouldn't ask, he wanted to know if I can see him. *Sigh* He's calling me back tonight for an answer, what to do at a situation like this? I tell my mom how much she's screwed me over and why she handed me the phone, her answer of course was that she didn't know who it was and since I knew two guys from my school she thought it could one of them, him included. My mother if so fond of my ex and me on the other hand, not too thrilled. So now I've spent basically my whole day thinking about my situation because he's actually calling me again tonight and Ever since the call that I got last nite from my ex I've thought about what to do. My ex still likes me alot no matter how much I don't like him and he still wants to rekindle whatever the hell we had previously which in my opinion wasn't much to start with so after thinking about it I might just play along. I know its pathetic to be near someone who has such strong feelings for and you don't feel the same way but maybe if I "go out" with him again and try to like him maybe I can deal with his feelings and eventually feel the same way. It takes time to truly like someone in my opinion even though for him it was very little but maybe if I spend time with him more (*sigh* the sacrifice) I'll most likely get back the feelings I lost for him and like him back that way I won't lead him on. I can't tell him that I don't want anything to do with him so my conclusion is: If I try to make it work maybe it'll work. I might be torturing myself and I might hate it but I just hope that I can deal with it. He's calling me tonight so I'll have to try my best with our conversations and everything. My friend said I wouldn't be in this situation if I was more forward but I can't, hurting people isn't my thing at all I'm the type to let things go and play along no matter how much I suffer and this case I might be sacrificing my martial status as someone single and become my ex's "girlfriend" again. Jeez, even typing the word girlfriend gives me the creeps lol Wish me the best.
 
     

(14 Victims | Darkness is not always evil.)

 
   
09:40pm 19/06/2005
 
mood: crushed
I know this is so wrong to do right now, after all I haven't been as loyal to lj as I used too and you know what I used to feel free to write about my feelings because I could say they without hesistation but now I can't do that, because I guess I don't want to bring up what I feel which of course thinking about it doesn't help much either. My feelings right now are mixed and confused and lost all at once lol I pretty much realize the pathetic part of me which is actually all of me, I'm pretty much weak when I have a problem and I let it get to me and I don't even know why. Not only do I let it get to me, I also try to ignore it or avoid it and it just keeps on following me goddamit! For example, I just realized that I could lose a friendship at the moment because of my feelings lol I mean its not like he's the problem. I am and I know it. For some stupid reason, I have feelings for my friend and I didn't want too so now what am I suppose to do? He figured it out and the funny thing is I never really payed attention to the way I acted around him that would leave so called hints about how I felt and now that he knows I've looked back and thought omg I am such an ass! I can't believe I did or said stupid things to him that actually signaled how I felt and since its been confirmed sort of by another source he basically knows and if he expects me to say something so we can deal with it, the hell with that instead I'm going to play the avoid game. Yes, I'm a punk, I'm every name in the dictionary that signifies the word "coward" but you know what if I do confirm what he claims to already know, I'll hate myself because I didn't really expect to like him they way that I kinda do, he's my friend. I want him to stay that way!!!
But that's only one of my problems lol there are so many others, now I know we all have problems but there are many who can deal with it better than others, I for one am not one who can deal with my problems. So my plan is the following:
1. I've turned off my cell and I'm not turning it on anytime soon.
2. After this post, I'm deleting my AOL account
3. I'm going to hide in my room and not come out until I think I'm able to deal with my problems and stop avoiding them

So I'm sorry for being a pain in the ass to anyone at all I know all I am is a spread of negative energy but eventually I'll come back on LJ maybe refreshed and much happier, until then just hope I don't do anything crazy :(
 
     

(6 Victims | Darkness is not always evil.)

 
Just got back from the Hospital   
05:10pm 07/06/2005
 
mood: sore
As you've noticed its been awhile (again :P ) since I've posted an entry, life's been chaotic for me, as it has been for a lot of others and I shouldn't be the one complaining but I thought if I write down the physical pain am in right now I'll feel better lol Yesterday morning, I had surgery (don't worry if I'm still writing, I'm still living lol) and my face is bandaged up (I feel like a mummy) I bleed too much so they had to wrap my face up tightly lol, no worries its a health condition that I'll have continuously so every few years or so I'm going to need surgery or I'll be on meds for the rest of my life (Which I really don't want) So I went home last night after struggling to wake up from the anesthesa (I know I spelled that word wrong :P ) and I'm still tired worst of all I have to keep my head up or else the bleeding won't stop so now I'm suffering from neck pains lol Also my mother told me they stuck tubes down my throat so now I have a very sore throat its like my throat's swollen so eating solid foods is something I can't do for awhile (just this week anyway) I've been on liquids and I've spent days without eating before but man when your finally's chowing down in front of you and your such in a crave to eat something, anything at all, its a pain in the butt especially since the last meal you ate was lunch on Sunday. Just wanted to keep LJ and others updated with what's going on in my life right now and let me tell you one thing I would do almost anything just to take a breath of fresh air instead of being stuck in the house all day in such humidity.
 
     

(8 Victims | Darkness is not always evil.)

 
Not doing to good lol   
07:59am 10/05/2005
 
mood: sick
My event yesterday was horrible, here's a recap lol :

Just got home, (I waited half an hour for my mom to come pick me up at the bus stop) Today would have turned out better for 2 reasons:

1. I lost 20 dollars somewhere

2. I got sick today literally *sigh*


Why did these two events happen to me, I don't know but I for one have come to the conclusion that McDonald's did something to my shake (that was the only thing I had today) my parents unfortunately came up with another conclusion. They think that my lack of eating was the reason and me barfing was my stomach trying to tell me to fill it up with something, however (thank god my mom's a nurse) my mom thinks that my sinuses, allergies, the whole group all together may have caused it after all there were the headaches and the nosebleeds etc etc, but it doesn't help explain my getting sick, anyway I should be going to the doctor next week (I now have a total of 3 different doctors lol the list keeps going on and on) so the doctor should check on me. Still waiting for the other doctor to give me a date on the surgery that I should be having in june but judging how his secretaries are, they may have already forgotten about me so I'm going to have to call them tomorrow myself. I'm feeling better though, mom gave me crackers and some ginger ale (eww I like sprite lol) and speaking of food, I had bought things to eat from McDonald's to eat and I didn't get a chance to eat it sadly (my first meal in a long time outside I mean lol). My mom said she was hungry and since I had it with me, I told her she could have some (note to myself; when you say some she thinks the whole thing) so she eat my meal and dranked my entire bottle of water in the car leaving me with nothing not even a drank (and I was thirsty too
:( ) so I waited till I came home lol

But one good thing happened today, well actually 2, I saw the "House of Wax" and it wasn't such a bad movie but I say they could have had more killings and it didn't have to be such a psychological like thriller but the music was pretty good, I'm planning on buying the cd next week, horror movies=good rock music lol


But now Its official, I'm sick lol I didn't sleep well at all, several trips to the bathroom and the thing my parents went to Pennsylvania again and left me home alone (what a good time too) and now I can't even look at food lol Worst of all, I have to pick up my little sister again and take her to her acting class, I hope by that time I feel a whole lot better and I won't have to embarrass her and myself at her acting class, she claims I'm already embarrassing with the way I act lol

But since I'm up for now, I'll start at little bit on my paper for psychology and be done with it, after that I'm going back to bed.
 
     

(3 Victims | Darkness is not always evil.)

 
We all go around and around and around ha ha ha ha ha   
10:28pm 03/05/2005
 
mood: drunk
I WENT TO SCHOOL DRUNK HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
*DANCES* HA HA HA HA HA HA
EVERYONE LOVES ME AS A FREE AND HAPPY BIRD!!!!
I CAN FLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!
GOING TO BED NOW AND HAVE SWEET DREAMS OF SWEET THINGS!!
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
     

(8 Victims | Darkness is not always evil.)

 
   
05:13am 02/05/2005
 
mood: stressed
It 5 am and I'm a nervous reck! I'm worried about that stupid bio test I'll be talking in approximately 8 hours, and I'm worried I'll forget or more I'll cry, yep I'll definitely cry or breakdown. I want go back to high school! College sucks!!!!!!! Damn stupid chapters with 200+ vocabulary which might not even be on the goddamn test anyway but I still had to study them (I only studied 120 though, the ones that I thought were important) I can't cram so much in head, it gives me headaches @_@
Au revoir! I'm heading to my final days, yep if I don't do well on this test, life is over for me as we speak lol
 
     

(5 Victims | Darkness is not always evil.)

 
Disaster times 2   
09:10am 01/05/2005
 
mood: drained
Okay I've got to type this entry fast (going to work and my dad's almost ready), So yesterday my parents go to PA again to check out the house that their definitely buying and leave me with my bratty evil sisters and I was planning to go straight to the comp yesterday morning so I go do a little fixing etc etc for RPG (damn Cynthia!). I get to the basement (we have three floors in the house) and Cynthia (evil younger sister aka middle child) beats me to the computer and what the hell is she doing? Absolutely nothing but typing fanfics! So I beg her to let me go on since I'm going to work anyway and she could have the comp all to herself. Does that work? Nooooo! Of course not, she's to selfish to cut me some slack. So I decide to watch some tv (saturday mornings suck) and guess who's watching it? My other little sister and she's watching Spongebob! Of all the crap to watch! So I decide to go back to the basement and watch on the other tv (keep in mind Cynthia's in the same room) *paints scenario* and I tell her I'm going to watch TV, she says no. She says she can't listen to her music (when the hell did she start to like michelle branch is what I'd like to know!) while the tv's on, so now I have nothing in my house for entertainment!
So I took a quick shower, got dressed and left the house, I went to work earlier than I should, I wasn't suppose to go to work till 1 pm but I left my house at around 10 and got to work at 12. Worst of all I didn't come home till midnight! Twelve straight hours of serving liquor, getting hit on by idiotic men (don't they take the hint that I don't want them?, and listening to customers yell etc etc but I did get compliments yesterday at how polite I am with serving (heck I practice in front of a mirror with a smile) so that was the only upside, and I didn't get a chance to eat food!!!! All I had was liquids all day, oh how I wanted the taste of pasta for some reason lol
Okay gotta go, he's here!
Oh and I forgot to mention some lady said to me, "you need to get some sleep." And I said "what?" And she said, "I'm a nurse, I can tell by your eyes that you don't sleep well." Now that was kind of creepy because she was write lol, she claims I must have a sleeping disorder since I can't sleep well at all, and believe me I've tried sleeping, and I wake up constantly throughout the nite lol
Now I definitely got to go, *dad creeping over to see what I'm doing*
BYE!!! Enjoy your day everyone (I sure as hell won't :( )
 
     

(7 Victims | Darkness is not always evil.)

 
Drunken Uncle :P   
11:49am 29/04/2005
 
mood: annoyed
Okay here's the thing my mom and dad are buying a house in pennsylvania (I don't know much just that) and well since I had off last saturday (I take saturday classes now) they wanted me to go to my dad's store on saturday and help my uncle (even though my shift is only Sundays) so I went there last saturday and when I went there my uncle was very overjoyed to see me I mean he was telling customers that I was his niece and it wasn't his kind of behaivor but anyway I told him he could take a break and I'd help out until he was done with his break, after about an hour the store got pretty busy and I needed help and he was nowhere in sight so I went to the back (its the storage room) to check on him, it turns out he was sleeping! I kicked and punched and he didn't wake up! So to make a long story short the store got to a point where it was full all the way to the doorway and I was left all alone to double shift, I mean selling liquor than to sell lottery tickets, than scratch cards, I was running back and forth and I couldn't take it! So my dad comes I was too pissed to even talk to him, I eventually told my dad about my uncle dozing off and leaving me by myself. Well today we were talking about it again (turns out they want me to work with him tomorrow, damn it!) and my dad and mom conclude that he must have been drunk and dozed off to sleep off the liquor which would help explain his overjoyed behaivor when he saw me, I mean he acted like we hadn't seen each other for months! So what's the lesson we've learned? Don't work at a liquor store if your going to sell the products! *Sigh* I have so much to do, aside from that I have to study for a goddamn bio test! Well that's all I let out my stress lol
 
     

(37 Victims | Darkness is not always evil.)

 
   
04:47pm 26/04/2005
  Well I have to say, its been a very long time since I've been on livejournal and technically I blame my computer and myself lol but mostly my comp, its come to the point where my comp doesn't always work. And aside from that, I've actually been trying to stay away from my comp anyway, been addicted to it, so now I'm back on LJ but I bet I've been forgotten or whatever, it doesn't bother me much. Kind of use to it, I'll try my best to get back into the world of LJ where I left off but for now this is going to be a short entry, kind of a hello entry actually lol I hope to hear from someone, it would make my life worthwhile! ^_^  
     

(63 Victims | Darkness is not always evil.)

 
   
07:30am 14/10/2004
  Its been awhile since I've been posting on my lj, I've posted on the RPGs I'm in just to catch up but I haven't posted here yet, I might as well right? To signify my return or something, blah, blah, blah. I had a weird conversation yesterday with this girl about guys in general it was funny actually, she sounded like a hardcore romantic type and I couldn't help but laugh. I told her those things only exist in movies and she tells me that the guy she's with is that kind of guy. *rolls eyes* Whatever, if she comes back crying I won't tell her I told her so. Hmm...anything else I should tell you about? Sure I should tell you what happened to me a few days ago, one day I went to the science building of my school to pick up my syllabus (I hope I spelled that right >.<) for my seminar class anyway while I was there picking it up these other two male teachers were there and I don't know how it started but next thing I know, I'm getting pissed at them for something about freshmans and upperclass men. It was so stupid the way they say freshman should treat upperclassmen with respect, even if the beat the shit out of the freshman. I just got so mad I started talking back at them (yeah I know it was bad but you know what I have a short temper)and you know what? Those bastards had the never to laugh at me! Can you believe it! What a bunch of jerks! A few days later though, for my bio lab my lab teacher wasn't there and I ended looking into the eyes of the same teacher that pissed me off, oh god, I wanted to run away. He was picking on me a little bit and tried my best to keep my cool but that bastard of a teacher helped no one during the lab, instead he sat around talking to teachers meanwhile all of us are struggling with the damn thing and I wanted to strangle him (bad bad maggie, right?) I wouldn't have to courage to really hurt anyone anyway, I'm much too afraid. The thing is everytime he talked to me I had this angry tone in my voice and everyone around me could hear it except for that guy who was laughing and enjoying talking to me, until I started yelling back at him and some asshole in my class made a comment (note: Have to find out who he is and make him pay!) and that's when the stinkin teacher realized that I was upset and threatened to kick me out of the class. I wanted to pound his face up for ignoring me before but what else could I do? I left the class thats what. I don't need attitude from anyone including a teacher. I let teachers like that say things to me before and pretended to laugh with them (though inside I wanted to beat the crap out of them) But now I'm not taking it anymore. NO MORE WEAK ME!!! (I hope this fierce attitude of mine lasts long lol)  
     

(12 Victims | Darkness is not always evil.)

 
I'm just going to lose it, Life has no meaning anymore   
03:23pm 21/09/2004
 
mood: depressed
I'm just really hating myself right now. I don't know why but I just started crying. I guess maybe it was because I was home alone and than I do what I usually do when there's nothing that can distract me, I think...I think alot about the past. God know how many times people to me to get over it and yes I know I know it was the past move on with your life, that's what I keep hearing but for godsakes how can I do that when it keeps haunting me.
I mean I was just taking a shower and all I could think about was that bastard of a math teacher I had in Junior High. Yeah, your wondering why would I be thinking about him. Well my baby sister has him now and I've already warned her about the kind of asshole he is. But that's not why I'm upset, its because I had to go pick my little sis up from school, which means I had to see him again. And I already saw his face once and I wanted to beat him so badly, I wanted to hurt him, you have no idea how much I hate that man.
Seems like this entry is going to be a long one time for lj cut.
Read more...Collapse )
 
     

(15 Victims | Darkness is not always evil.)

 
   
08:47am 19/09/2004
  I almost spent an entire weekend without LJ I feel refreshed you know like one of those rehabilitation things or something. Its weird, I looked at my comp a couple of times and wanted to go on LJ but I have to break the habit you know what I mean? Before LJ I used to surf for other things and now it seems LJ is some weird obsession for me since I can't really go out thanks to my parental units.

*************
In other news, I took my learner's permit test and passed! Now I might be taught to drive, my dad promised but I don't think he can't keep it, and I'll take my road test etc etc so by January maybe I can drive!
Hmmm....Anything I can think of?
Well I was almost trapped in the subway yesterday for almost an hour because of the rain.
*sighs*
I'm never taking the train when it rains its always disasterous.

I must admit I wouldn't have gone on LJ today if my Rps didn't call for me and tell me too post
Oh well

Good Day everyone!
 
     

(3 Victims | Darkness is not always evil.)

 
I'm nervous about the bill so I'm doing quizzes and stuff, god I'm pathetic   
03:43pm 15/09/2004
 
LJ Battle Royale! by monmonito
Username
Weapon you got:Paper fan
Your goal in the game:To kill off the big bad bullies.
Number of students killed:68
For fun, you kill:iminsane
Out of a personal vendetta, you kill:inu_yasha_01
Accidentally, you kill:prometheusufo
You have an alliance with:sailor_fantasy
You develop a puppy-love romance with:n_hiroshi
Watch out for:kawaiishuichi
Percentage of survival possibility:: 49%
Dying words:"Take care!"
Quiz created with MemeGen!
 
     

(5 Victims | Darkness is not always evil.)

 
The Phone Bill is Here   
03:35pm 15/09/2004
 
mood: scared
Well this might be it for me when it comes to cell phones now, my mom just got the phone bill. It was like around $300 for all three of us and she's not exactly happy about it. Especially since the plan was for about $100. She expected it to be around $175 but she's really pissed at how much it is.
*looks back at mom*
She's on the phone right now talking to the Verizon people.
I pray that she doesn't take the phone away.
Alas I've only had 3 weeks with it >.<
Should have used it when I had a chance!
Life has no meaning for me anymore.
 
     

(2 Victims | Darkness is not always evil.)

 
I love borrowing quizzes from others   
02:07pm 15/09/2004
 
mood: crazy
dark and night all over
You are night or darkness.You would have been
beatiful except for the fact something is
keeping you in the darkness. You have a very
short temper. You're on the bully side and yet
not on the bully side and you can be rebellious
sometimes.(please rate)


***what element are you?***(Anime pics)
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(1 Victim | Darkness is not always evil.)